BREAKINGLocal gravy declared sentient, demands legal counsel◆Health inspector files for early retirement after dining-room visit◆Biscuit refuses to comment, lawyers up◆Mysterious off-white substance breaches Geneva Convention◆Eyewitnesses describe atmosphere as 'aggressively beige'◆Fork found weeping in parking lot◆Service so slow it qualifies for historic preservation◆Diner reports flashbacks to 1987 hospital cafeteria◆Coffee carbon-dated to the Carter administration◆Waitress communicates entirely through prolonged sighs◆Salt shaker contains regret, possibly cremains◆Menu unchanged since Y2K, including the Y2K Special◆Dishwasher seen praying behind dumpster◆Local cat refuses delivery of leftovers◆Mashed potatoes test positive for drywall◆Ranch dressing identifies as load-bearing◆Ceiling tiles voted 'most appetizing menu item' three years running◆Bathroom hand dryer doubles as defibrillator◆Pancake syrup later identified as exterior wood stain◆Booth upholstery older than the constitution◆Health code violations now sold as souvenirs at the register◆Ambulance on standby, charges separate◆Hash browns indistinguishable from carpet sample◆Linoleum floor outperforms entree in flavor test◆Kitchen smoke detector permanently disabled 'for ambiance'◆Local raccoons file formal complaint with city council◆Toast served with court summons◆Bacon grease classified as biohazard by EPA◆Ketchup bottle dated 'use by Reagan administration'◆Server reportedly hostage; refuses to leave for shift change◆Local gravy declared sentient, demands legal counsel◆Health inspector files for early retirement after dining-room visit◆Biscuit refuses to comment, lawyers up◆Mysterious off-white substance breaches Geneva Convention◆Eyewitnesses describe atmosphere as 'aggressively beige'◆Fork found weeping in parking lot◆Service so slow it qualifies for historic preservation◆Diner reports flashbacks to 1987 hospital cafeteria◆Coffee carbon-dated to the Carter administration◆Waitress communicates entirely through prolonged sighs◆Salt shaker contains regret, possibly cremains◆Menu unchanged since Y2K, including the Y2K Special◆Dishwasher seen praying behind dumpster◆Local cat refuses delivery of leftovers◆Mashed potatoes test positive for drywall◆Ranch dressing identifies as load-bearing◆Ceiling tiles voted 'most appetizing menu item' three years running◆Bathroom hand dryer doubles as defibrillator◆Pancake syrup later identified as exterior wood stain◆Booth upholstery older than the constitution◆Health code violations now sold as souvenirs at the register◆Ambulance on standby, charges separate◆Hash browns indistinguishable from carpet sample◆Linoleum floor outperforms entree in flavor test◆Kitchen smoke detector permanently disabled 'for ambiance'◆Local raccoons file formal complaint with city council◆Toast served with court summons◆Bacon grease classified as biohazard by EPA◆Ketchup bottle dated 'use by Reagan administration'◆Server reportedly hostage; refuses to leave for shift change◆
CULINARY AFFAIRS NETWORKCASE #BG-1138
